Squirrel Is One

He used to visit me at work. I had my own office and he would come in during his lunch hour. Usually it was because he needed something, but I didn't mind that at all. I was just happy to see him. So when I was pregnant with Ryder, I had doctor's appointments usually in the late morning. I went every week just about the entire term, so there were always new ultrasound pictures to show off to everyone at the office...and of course to show to him if he came in that day. I remember once that he came in on a "picture day" and he looked at the sonogram and said "he looks like a squirrel. that's what I'm gonna call him...Squirrel". I informed him that no he was not about to call my precious son a rodent. He laughed and said "yeah I am too". And he did. I called him from the hospital when I went in to have Ryder. I said "are you gonna come?" He said "soon as I can get there, Jenny. I love you". He wouldn't hold him. He said he was too little. By the time Ryder was about 4 or 5 months old, Blake's fears about dropping him had eased enough that he was holding him. I have a few pictures of them together and a video clip that's 2 seconds long. Abby meant to take a photo and hit the camera button instead. Why don't we ever take videos of things that turn out to be the most important?? I watch it over and over just to see him "alive" again.

My son will turn one year old in 10 days and he will do so without the uncle that would have been a huge and positive factor in his life...his would-be hunting and fishing buddy. Blake already loved Ryder and Ryder so would have worshipped Blake. My son will never know what he is missing...what the cruelty of life cheated him out of. I will do everything I can to give Ryder a good life and to surround him with love but there will always be a shadow that looms over our lives, a sort-of emptiness where the sun should shine and it does not. That shadow stands about 6'4" tall.